...

Thursday, March 15, 2001 09:21 a.m. Spanner in the Works

andy and i had mutual orgasms last night...

in all my life, i've only had a mutual orgasm once with one other guy (alfonso)--and that was during my first orgasm with a guy. this is not an easy feat, and i never expect it to happen, but it's nice when it does. the more thoughtful guys usually wait until i have one before he does (unless he really can't help himself).

in a few hours, i am off to a city beyond the bay for a conference. nick (my boss) told me yesterday to book a room at the hotel for myself, so that means i won't see andy until saturday. :( nick also said to pay for my birthday dinner using the company card, to compensate my having to work on my birthday.

i was going to write something nice (yet again) about andy, but i'm pressed for time, since the conference starts at 1 and i have loads to do when i get to my office before i head out. so, he'll have to wait another day... :)

i told andy not to get anything for me for my birthday since he is essentially my birthday present. i am not that hard to shop for, although there is one thing that i've always wanted. i once mentioned it to LCB, but i always refused to reveal what it was, deliberately masking the true name (similar to the name of irish singer enya's siblings group, clannadh, but not quite). i know i don't like jewelry, but i've always wanted an irish promise ring, the claddagh. i do not consider it in any way an engagement ring, as it is sometimes worn. i got the idea from buffy, when angel gave the ring to her (before they had sex and he reverted to an evil vampire).

Wednesday, March 14, 2001 04:50 p.m. AAAAaaaarrrgghhhh!!!!

nick, you're driving me insane!!!!

tu dois te relaxer!!!

Wednesday, March 14, 2001 03:06 p.m. August 29th

how sweet! fionnuala gave me a birthday card. it's one of those combination st. patrick's day and b'day cards. she's 110% irish and she's loving this week. she's more excited about my birthday than i am. of course, i'm denying my birthday. i told her that "officially" my birthday is on august 29th, but she won't believe me. i told her to look on the "official" birthday list that the receptionist has. i think someone told her that i changed the information on that list to reflect that august 29th is my "bday".

my boss knows my bday is coming up. i hope he doesn't get me anything (andy is my birthday present and i hope he doesn't get me anything!). his wife is expecting any day now, so i'm wondering if he thinks that she might deliver this saturday. i tried telling him that my birthday is not until august, but all he said was "yeah, right". does this mean no one will celebrate it in august?

Wednesday, March 14, 2001 01:03 p.m. And then there was one...

when i go to conferences, i like to meet my equal from our major competitors. i usually find a kinship with them, except of course for the Type-A personality types who hoard information instead of sharing it.

there is this one woman whom i particularly like. she and i always exchange information when we can. she's great and i hope to see her again when i go to new york in a few weeks.

yesterday, at our company breakfast, someone asked if we were going to make a bid to buy other companies. when our VP announced the possibility of buying the company that my equal works for, it didn't occur to me what that would entail: she would lose her job and i would assume her responsibilities (in addition to my own). i just realized this today, as i was cleaning out my boss' office. i'm not going to mention this to her, especially if i do see her in a few weeks. wow, it's hard to be on the buying end...

on the other hand, i hope to never be on the "bought out" end...

Wednesday, March 14, 2001 10:23 a.m. No Sugarcoating

got the following from edna. this fits her to a "T". the one thing i've always liked about her is that she won't sugarcoat my problems. she'll just tell me how it is.

For those tired of the usual "friend" poems, here is a touch of reality.

When you are sad ... ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue ... ...I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.

When you smile ... ...I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared ... ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried ... ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused ... ...I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick ... ...Stay away from me until you're well again, I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall ... ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath ... ...I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? ... Because you're my friend.

Wednesday, March 14, 2001 10:07 a.m. Feeling Old Yet?

Erin: "Well, if it's any consolation you don't look 31. Andy looks older than you, I think."

andy definitely looks younger than i. if i've never met him i'd say he looks 24-25 years old. i think i look 31, going on 65...

Wednesday, March 14, 2001 08:46 a.m. Insecurity Blanket

had coffee this morning. i wasn't tired; just had the urge for it. please, please, please i hope this doesn't become a habit...

i slept a total of 8 hours over the past 3 nights, and i'm not tired at all. didn't sleep a wink on sunday night; slept 3 hours on monday night; and back up to 5 hours last night. andy can't figure out how i do it. i hope sleep specialists never try to figure it out.

andy has a 9am meeting this morning. he doesn't seem to be able to get up before 10am. i resisted the urge to break out the violin and play a dolorous tune to his having to wake up at 7:30am this morning... ha. i rarely sleep in past 6am. i don't know how we'll be able to resolve this since we only have to deal with this on the weekends. to help him out, i gave him a 7:30am wake-up call this morning.

***

i told andy that whenever i'm in love, my sleep habits are changed temporarily. it's better than getting stressed and feeling tired the next day after not sleeping much. love is a very positive emotion and it's not impacting my health, sleep-wise. in other health news, i am losing some weight, but i've started this a few weeks before ever meeting andy.

***

andy has great fingering techniques. i don't know what he did last night, but it was awesome... he wouldn't tell me; i think i'll let him keep his secrets. i did come when we made love. still small, but i'm just happy i'm having orgasms...

***

insecurities again. andy and i both have to go to conferences for our respective jobs. i have to hang out and dispense information wearing an "exhibitor's badge"; he gets to roam around getting information, wearing a "press badge". so, there will be 1-week periods where we can't see each other because we're in other cities. i have to go to new york and possibly denver and other cities this year; he has to go to atlanta and las vegas. very doubtful if we would ever end up in the same city.

what i'm (of course) insecure about is that he'll get drunk when we're apart and end up in bed with some woman he doesn't remember meeting. he's of irish descent, so drinking is a cultural thing for him. i don't want him to give up drinking alcohol, since he isn't an alcoholic or anything. however, i do get worried that he'll get drunk again. he claims he doesn't need to get drunk now that he has me in his life, but when he jokes about it, i do get worried...

***

got a letter from jeff yesterday. didn't read it yet. i mentioned to andy that i'll probably just forward it to him without ever reading it and let him read it for me and decide whether or not it's worth telling me its contents.

Tuesday, March 13, 2001 03:19 p.m. Pictures of You...

can't wait for my eye to heal completely. the doctor told me to take the drops for 4 days, and today is the 4th day. eye still looks red, but more like the bloodshot you get when your eyes are just tired. otherwise, it looks almost healed.

i hope to take pictures of andy and me this weekend. he got extremely jealous when he first came over and saw LCB's picture in my apartment. i had to put that away. and, when i brought him to my workplace, he noticed the picture of LCB i had at my desk. i quickly covered it up with pictures of jeff's cat.

and then this weekend i showed him pics i had of steve and his cat. i'm pretty sure he didn't like them. i didn't have those framed or anything; just the fact that i didn't have any pictures of him got his hackles rising. as soon as i get pics of us, i will replace the ones i have of LCB.

Tuesday, March 13, 2001 12:42 p.m. 738

738 pieces of email here at work. a lot of it not even read (122). only about 5% are junkmail from companies getting my alternate address from our website. too many people to respond to. and only one of me.

decided to purge, so i dumped a lot of the stuff in the trash. hope i didn't delete anything important... i honestly didn't even bother reading the subject headings or the senders. i figure, if it's that important, i can ask for another resend from them.

now i'm down to just 158 items, of which 13 are not yet read.

Tuesday, March 13, 2001 07:31 a.m. :)

steve wrote back. i had to smile at his letter because he knows me too well... in regards to what he's read about me on these pages, he wrote:

good on ya, mate. i know just how you feel.

(andy, don't get neurotic cuz i'm writin' yer woman!)

i am happy for you and that you want to reconcile with the 'rents.

HB3-17. my 30's have been great.

be well and happy...

he remembered my birthday! :)

and no, andy, there is no chance i'm leaving you for him...

***

so, of course i've been analyzing the dream from this morning when i was on the train to work.

the only thing i can think of is the fact that i spoke with aaron last night.

we wished each other our annual mutual birthday greeting (early greetings, since we both can't guarantee that we'll see each other live online on our actual b-day). and then, i gushed *again* about andy (i've gushed to all 7 of my friends from high school by now). and i got this reaction, instead:

i get worried when i get that feeling...that usually >means the bombshell is right around the corner...

my first thought was how horrible he was for saying this. and then i thought about jeff's reaction when i told him about andy. and that's how i ended up in a terrible dream about jeff.

and why didn't i end up going out with aaron in my terrible dream? i think it's because i used to have feelings for him, that the prospect of going out with him isn't as terrible as the thought of being with jeff.

i can hear jeff wishing me bad karma right now...

Tuesday, March 13, 2001 05:20 a.m. Awful, Simply Awful

still haven't gotten tired from yesterday's lack of sleep. in fact, last night i only slept 3 hours. slept at around 12:30 last night; woke up around 3:30am this morning. i feel fine and fully awake.

***

woke up with a bad, bad dream. andy didn't exist. in fact, i was going out with jeff. i was disgusted most of the time, wondering what was happening and why was i with him. when it came to sex, he morphed into chris and i just couldn't and didn't want to perform. we were part of a group and we were supposed to go to some meeting. we all were part of this boarding house. it was raining and we were back in union city. we had a meeting at 1pm and we all had to walk to another boarding house. it was just a waste of time, since the meeting was in another direction. as we left to finally go to the meeting, i wasted time by asking to use the restroom. there was a sign that said to be careful when you wash your hands. as i went to wash my hands (of course i ignored the sign), these belts on the ground started to animate and wrap themselves around me like a snake, ultimately trying to choke me. i wriggled out of them somehow and found the rest of the group all choking in similar snake-like belts. my bad samaritan self just didn't want to help them, so i left them, writhing on the floor, and went outside and that's when i woke up.

***

company breakfast today. meet the new employees day. i'm too wrapped up in work to participate, so i know that i am just going to show up, get my food, and quickly leave before anyone spots me... this is a brand new thing we're doing, to help improve sagging employee morale. i hope they don't require us to stick around to introduce ourselves. that's when my innate shyness really comes out--introducing myself to a group.

Monday, March 12, 2001 05:00 p.m. C'est l'heure

too bad andy knows some french and some german.

time to start using my linguistic skills...

je me rappelle des fois où j'écrivais dans 3 langues, quand j'étais plus jeune. jede Wort war in Franzõsisch, Deutsch, oder Spanisch. pero es muy difícil--ho dimenticato tutto.

bien sûr, c'était 4 langues, et pas 3. and since i'm at work, i really can't do this...

vielleicht nach Hause...

Monday, March 12, 2001 05:00 p.m. C'est l'heure

too bad andy knows some french and some german.

time to start using my linguistic skills...

je me rappelle des fois où j'écrivais dans 3 langues, quand j'étais plus jeune. jede Wort war in Franzõsisch, Deutsch, oder Spanisch. pero es muy difícil--ho dimenticato tutto.

bien sûr, c'était 4 langues, et pas 3. and since i'm at work, i really can't do this...

vielleicht nach Hause...

Monday, March 12, 2001 04:54 p.m. Hmmph.

i'm tempted to start updating in my other pitas account.

andy wants to read my pages for some reason. i have nothing to hide from him; i just get so embarrassed that he reads these pages.

they're not much different from what i would write about the other guys in my past; they're just more stream of consciousness type of writing, rather than whatever organized, capitalized stuff i had written before.

i'm also embarrassed that this has become essentially an "i love andy" website.

Monday, March 12, 2001 03:46 p.m. *Still* Wide Awake

3:46pm and i'm still wide awake. i should have crashed right now.

on the other hand, i think i'm going through the same sleeping habits i had when i first fell for aaron, where i would sleep only 3 hours a night and never feel tired.

if this is the case, then i'm definitely in love. i've known that, but this would confirm it.

Monday, March 12, 2001 09:06 a.m. I Know *Nothing* About Computers!

aarrghhh!!! i'm pissed. i know absolutely nothing about computers! got a call from a rep who was in the middle of demo-ing one of our products (of course) and couldn't get it to work. i tried to transfer the call to the director of technology, but he gave me the brush off. so, i ended up having to walk the professor through. turned out later that our demo product (luckily it's just a demo) was only designed to work on IE, and not netscape, since it was assumed that the reps would demo the stuff on their laptops. i don't believe this! it's not my job to do tech support!!!

Monday, March 12, 2001 08:28 a.m. Out of the Blue

8:30am and still awake. no urge for coffee (thank goodness).

Monday, March 12, 2001 06:13 a.m. Still Wide Awake

knowing my sleeping habits, i will be wide awake all day. i feel fine, despite tossing and turning, not sleeping all night.

it's different from 3 weeks ago, the night after i first kissed andy and i didn't sleep that whole night afterwards.

i think it's the secure feeling i'm having about him.

Monday, March 12, 2001 04:33 a.m. No sleep

4:30am and i have not slept a wink all night.

hope i don't reach for coffee today.

Sunday, March 11, 2001 06:29 p.m. I'm surprised you have any sperm left in you... :)

andy and i made love 10 times this weekend. spread out over 2 whole days and my night of making love 8 times to greg still is my record to beat. i'm glad i have the rest of my life with andy to work on that... :)

i came on 2 separate occasions. still small ones, but andy felt contractions. unless he's just trying to make me feel better. the fact that he knows what an orgasm feels like means that he will know if i'm ever faking it. i won't; not with him. i spent 2 years waiting for this and i'm savoring each time i can.

i told him not to worry if i don't come every single time we have sex. i'm not worried anymore if i have a problem--since i don't. i think what caused me to have my orgasms with andy (rather than with steve and LCB) is that i know i have a future with him. just like i thought i had one with greg. i don't like uncertainties. i've had too much of that for far too long.

***

i realized today that i'll still be a "devilspawn": i have 6 letters in my first, middle, and last name. andy has 6 letters in his first and last name. he also has 6 names (4 middle names). so, when i do take his name, i'll still be able to joke about how i'm the real 666...

***

i'm not a temptress by nature. i can seduce a guy, but often it's not intentional. this weekend, i hiked up my skirt before i sat on andy's knee. i had no intention of turning him on; i just didn't want my skirt to stretch out. apparently, that set him off and we made love.

just a few hours ago, i was joking about how his "bevy of blondes" back at his place were waiting for him, "with legs spread open and their fingers going in an out of their [vaginas]". i was not tempting him. we had just made love an hour before, but this got him. on a whim, i spread open my legs and started to do the visual for him and we were at it again.

i'm still surpried--and relieved--that all this sex is not hurting me in the least. i would be walking funny right now had i been with any other guy, but i'm not, and i wasn't.

***

i turn 31 in a few days and i haven't even obsessed about it or thought much about it. reflecting on the past year, i've been thinking about how wonderful my life has been thus far. a job in a field i enjoy was my first step. finding the love of my life is the culmination. i'm still wondering how lucky i am to meet him. he really is everything i've wanted and everything i never knew i wanted.

and yet, no matter how ecstatic i am, there is that small part of me is always looking around to see if this is some cruel joke that someone is playing on me. was he hired by someone to make me fall in love so that i can experience the biggest heartbreak of my life? will he be suddenly taken away from me? is this just all a dream?

the one thing i *don't* believe is that he's only with me to eventually get married to a US citizen.

and then it hits me about how now all of my plans are changed: i don't think i'll be moving to seattle/washington d.c. in 4 years as i had planned. i don't think i'll apply to the fbi anymore (they assign new agents to other cities). and then, of course, andy is only here until 2002, unless his workplace wants to extend his stay. i do know that if he has to go back to england (or ireland, or europe), i will go with him.

Friday, March 9, 2001 03:46 p.m. Contaminated!

enjoying a café au lait right now. was ready to crash all day and friends were on their way to get some joe anyway, so i caved.

i'm definitely not going to get any sleep tonight, and unfortunately, that means that neither will andy.

i don't think he slept much last night (not from sex, but my constant tossing and turning), but then, he had the rest of the day to sleep in, since he was working from home. i left his place at around 7. i could have left at 4am, but i wasn't entirely sure that there was a bus running at that time. besides, i really don't like being away from him. it was too comfortable lying next to him.

all night i kept thinking how wonderful it would be to wake up next to him every morning...

Friday, March 9, 2001 01:06 p.m. Conjunctivitis

not enough oxygen reaching my eye. so, redness, swelling, tearing, etc. doc gave me drops. i should heal in the next week. i have to wear glasses for a while. i just have to get glasses.

wearing one contact lens in my right eye. i know i'll get a headache by the end of today.

***

boss is getting flak for something i couldn't deliver. he was unusually sedated about it. probably because they made him take a "be a more civil manager" training course this week. he was always civil to me; just a wee bit on the annoying side to others. i just wish he's stop announcing available products before they're even produced...

***

i want to go home. i don't want to be here today. feeling lethargic/phlegmatic.

***

i better watch what i say here. i'm somewhat disturbed that high schools and middle schools are accessing my page. i believe in free speech, but that means it's up to me to sanitize my writing.

***

tomorrow marks one month (only *1*?) since andy and i first met. i feel as if i've known him for a lifetime... and i can't wait to spend my lifetime with him.

Friday, March 9, 2001 08:04 a.m. Little Tug

got back home an hour ago from spending a night at andy's. i hadn't planned on staying the night. in fact, i had left my computer and light on at home, expecting to come back after a few hours. but being with him feels so right that i truly did not want to leave.

so, i stayed.

my eye is still red, so the deciding factor for me was to take care of this before i get into work today. it doesn't hurt, but the bloodshot, the fatigue, the sensitivity to light, the heavy tearing--something is wrong. the opthalmologist office does not open until 9am (nor is the advice nurse station), so i'm just going to hop on the bus back towards andy's direction (he lives a few blocks away from the hospital). depending on how long that takes, i will then get back to work.

***

now, i'm embarrassed about my love making. apparently, i scream too loudly right when i'm about to peak. i've always known that i'm a bit too vocal and it's usually a turn on for some guys, but andy got a little concerned last night. no biggie. he'll just have to contend with my stuffing a pillow over my face the next time we have sex.

he did say that he felt a "little tug" from me internally during one of our lovemaking sessions last night, so i'm really looking forward to having full-fledged orgasms with him.

i'm still getting used to his lovemaking style. there are things that i'm used to from all the (american) guys i've been with that aren't exhibited by him. we're working on it. ;)

***

"Irish girls say that Americans are too forward when they kiss..."

explains a lot about how he kisses. i don't mind. as long as we're kissing a lot...

Thursday, March 8, 2001 05:46 p.m. More Irrationality

so i've been thinking on the train ride home what andy must have said to becky. did he invite her over (from england)? did she tell him she's 5 months pregnant with his child? did he even tell her about me? or, is he back together with her?

breathe. breathe.

okay, i'm over it.

yeah, right.

well, i'm seeing him later tonight, and i know my mind will be filled with these thoughts primarily.

Thursday, March 8, 2001 03:15 p.m. LCB LCB LCB

while andy is calling becky, i have made the following message just for him:

LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB LCB

I love you, Andy

Thursday, March 8, 2001 02:10 p.m. I hate all of you; that's why I'm leaving!

the thought just occurred to me that with my teary eye and my constantly going about all day looking like i'm crying, i could play this "quitting my job" thing really convincingly... people are constantly stopping me asking why i'm leaving. so far, only the people i like have asked. the ones i don't like--the jury is still out on whether to outright lie to them or not.

Thursday, March 8, 2001 01:39 p.m. Not Leaving

i'm the only marketing assistant in this office. we have about a dozen, but they are all scattered in nooh yawk and bahstun. i'm the only one in the san francisco office. the marketing manager in this office has an assistant in nooh yawk, but she wants one here, so she advertised for one.

unfortunately, people who don't read the message closely think *i'm* leaving. the message was sent out just a few minutes ago, and already people are asking if i'm quitting.

too tempted to tell them yes...

...but i won't.

don't need vultures getting my job just yet.

Thursday, March 8, 2001 12:59 p.m. Out of My Way!

eye is still horribly red. not hurting in the bit. i know it isn't pinkeye, but i wouldn't mind letting people think it is. maybe it will stop them from bothering me... ;) great excuse for BART: "Out of my way! I have pinkeye! You don't want to sit next to me!"

***

andy's last girlfriend becky still loves him. i'm not jealous. really, i'm not. really.

she called him on valentine's day. i believe him when he says that he doesn't have feelings for her. and i wasn't jealous in the least when he slept with her when she visited him in october. i wasn't with him then. in fact, i reminded him today to call her back. of course, my ulterior motive is so that he can tell her he's with me now...

had it been caroline who visited, that would be a different story. she was the standard that he claims i have surpassed. i know she still holds a place in her heart (just as LCB still holds one in mine), so if she ever visits, i will be jealously guarding him, at all times, if i could.

i honestly don't believe him when he says that i am now his ideal, but it felt nice when he said it. i don't surpass her genius IQ, not in the least. i like being of average intelligence.

Thursday, March 8, 2001 08:37 a.m. Tears of a Clown

slept with my contacts on again last night. woke up and found myself tearing (as in, filled with tears) in my left eye. eye completely red. washed out the lens, but since i don't have backup glasses, i had to put them in before i got to work. left eye is bloodshot red. not itching, not scratching. just a lot of tears. puffy left eyelid.

right eye is normal.

heard from james this morning. he said that pete and jen are getting married this summer. wow, that's big news. they are the ultimate off-again/on-again couple that i knew. jen is the one who kept telling me what type of wedding ring she wanted and i didn't want to hear about it. i didn't ask james if greg was going. no need to.

james did ask me what i was up to. so, of course i gushed about andy...

i really ought to stop talking about him. but, i don't want to.

Thursday, March 8, 2001 04:50 a.m. Full Circle

i saw LCB earlier online today and thought about contacting him.

and then i thought better of it: i didn't want to cry again.

it's ironic, really, considering how i first fell for him: to avoid having to cry over greg.

and now i have andy to give *all* my love to. and not to avoid having to cry over LCB.

LCB wrote me one last letter a week or so ago. i didn't respond. i don't think i will. it's not that i didn't want to (there's rarely a letter from anyone that i wouldn't have an urge to reply); it's just that i need this break from him. i wanted to come full circle: i first wrote to him back on july 15, 1998; i think it's fitting that the last letter should be from him.

i hope he understands why i'm doing this.

as much as i know that LCB would have wanted to provide me with what andy can, i honestly want to love only one person in my life: andy.

i used to think that any guy i meet will be a pale comparison to my ideal of LCB; i didn't expect andy to surpass all expectations.

Wednesday, March 7, 2001 12:25 p.m. I read too fast

i stupidly volunteered to sub for afternoon reception breaks for fridays. this new woman at work signed up for the compressed workweek (work 4 days at 8 hours/day; leave after 3 hours on fridays) and asked me to sub for her. i read too fast and thought she only wanted me to sub for just *this* friday. after i agreed, i read her email again and found out i agreed to sub for all of her fridays.

pissed.

i try to keep my promises, so i can't get out of this. i just wrote her a message saying that all i ask is that she has to find replacements for me when i have to travel.

or, once i get promoted.

***

i miss andy. there's this empty feeling inside me that senses that he's not within a 10-mile range.

***

i don't know if it's a cultural thing, but andy kisses differently than the other guys i've kissed. it's not bad; just not the way *i* like it. ;) i finally told him how i like it done. i think steve was the only guy who knew right away how to kiss *my way*. :) (andy, don't get neurotic...)

Wednesday, March 7, 2001 08:49 a.m. 3 Minutes Late

no, not me.

overheard on BART this morning:

woman across from me, yapping on her cell phone: "Hello, is this Alva? It's Evie. Listen, I'm going to be 3 minutes late, so I was wondering if you could just put the stuff up without me. Thanks!"

oh. my. gosh.

how lame can you get? 3 fucking minutes and she *had to* use her cell phone at that moment to let a coworker know. i heard a snicker from someone behind me as soon as he heard the same conversation. i had my eyes closed and snuck a peek at her after a few minutes. she was busy looking up other people to call on her phone.

"...It's exactly a fortnight since we first made love..."

i read his email about 20 times before i realized that he used the word "fortnight". not that i didn't know what it meant; i think every american schoolchild is introduced to "british english" with this word. i guess in the first 19 or so times, i had already "translated" this in my head.

i hope he's enjoying himself in El Lay.

and, i hope he gets some work done! i don't want to face this weekend with deadlines looming over his head.

Tuesday, March 6, 2001 06:54 p.m. What goes up...

as much as i'm in euphoria in my new relationship, i still get irrational insecurities.

what if he wakes up and realizes that he made a huge mistake with me? what if caroline (the last love of his life) wants him back? what if he develops feelings for becky(his last girlfriend)?

i tell him all the time that i'm not *really* that jealous when it comes to his past relationships, but i'm sure he knows the truth. just as i know that he gets jealous of all the guys in my past, constantly feeling threatened that i, too, might "come to my senses" about everything that has happened so far.

we both want to make sure we "don't mess up" what we have.

i hope i don't drive him away with my insecurities, like i did with greg...

i remember how greg would get so exasperated with my insecurities. when i would peripherally broach the subject of where our relationship was heading, he would always say "we'll take things one day at a time." i never really did feel secure in my relationship with him. i thought i did, but in reality, i learned to hide them, especially since he didn't want to hear any of it. i learned not to show any jealousy whenever he'd blatantly ogle some woman. in fact, i think i gave off the impression that i didn't care. so, for 3.5 years, i was a tangled ball of insecurities within and a steely exterior without.

i didn't want to drive him away by being a jealous girlfriend, so instead i chose to be an apathetic one. too apathetic, especially that incident with susie...

so, now i'm trying to temper my jealousies with andy. i try not to show how jealous i get, but i'm glad he knows i really am. i can joke with him about the "bevy of buxom brainy beautiful blondes" he stashes in his apartment, but inside i hope that never becomes the case...

he's a lot more open about his jealousies and insecurities. i don't know what it is, but i find it a turn on when he does get jealous.

i miss him tremendously...

Tuesday, March 6, 2001 02:29 p.m. All goes well with the world

coffee is back in stock. neurotic people calmer. no more eldritch screams.

***

i never thought i would be in a relationship where people don't ask *me* where i'm from.

i feel bad for andy for having to repeat himself. we were in a restaurant several weeks ago and he had to ask for water 3 times because the waitress didn't understand his accent. and of course, i can't help but get slightly jealous once she started asking him about where he's from, etc.

but i guess this is what i'll have to get used to. i really don't mind. i just want to make sure that no waitress gets into any *extended* conversations with him.

:)

i joke with him a lot that as soon as he loses his accent, he's history. i mean, he knows i'm only with him because he talks funny. and because he can't spell ('theatre', 'centre', 'realise'). i'm glad i'm understanding what he says now... ;) i don't mind at all the language immersion (among other things) with him...

of course, he has the BBC to remind him of his linguistic roots. i love the way he *has to* listen to his beloved news programs every day... andy doesn't speak the queen's english (not that i can tell). i think he said that he couldn't place my american accent. i try to speak 'standard english'--whatever that is--, but i can hear my california-isms creep in every now and then. i love emulating the blonde airhead accent with him. i love to see him smile. he has the cutest dimples.

Tuesday, March 6, 2001 09:15 a.m.

From: Andy

Sent: Monday, March 05, 2001 1:15 PM

To: Me

Subject: I Love You

I just had another look at your site. Please don't worry about me not kissing you passionately enough. It's because the bus was coming, and I didn't want you to miss it! I'll try to make up for it tonight...

You're not a distraction in my life. You're the most important part of it, and everything else is a (not particularly effective) distraction from you. I love you, and I want to be with you.

Andy.

no guy has ever told me this, that i'm the most important part of his life...

Tuesday, March 6, 2001 08:36 a.m. Cries of Outrage

the office ran out of coffee this morning.

never heard so many people get so upset. it's not that i can't feel their pain (okay, maybe i can't), but we have a starbuck's 2 blocks down the street and several other cafés around. i thought that the extra caffeine would inspire people to zip around getting their cup anyway they can, but the laziness just kills me. some people actually prefer to wait until our peet's coffee comes in. or to throttle the office manager for not keeping the stuff well-stocked.

andy drinks a lot of coffee. i don't mind at all. i'm just glad that he doesn't smoke.

woke up feeling at a loss since he's not going to be around today or tomorrow. :(

i told him last night that i never knew what i was missing until i met him.

Monday, March 5, 2001 10:48 p.m. The barriers are open. The floodgates will follow...

when andy and i made love today, i had 2 small orgasms. i didn't have the internal contractions, but i'm relieved that whatever psychological barrier i had for the past 2 years when it comes to orgasms is finally breaking. i think i can finally submit to whatever has been holding me back since i broke up with greg over 2 years ago.

what did it for me was the fact that andy knows exactly what to say to me, all the time.

***

this weekend, he developed this sudden surge of lust and made very passionate love to me. he had said that it was a combination of lots of things, including what i had written about pondering changing my name to his. the one thing that embarrassed me to no end this weekend. and, i hate to say this, but that surge of passion reminded me of how i had felt when greg mentioned the possibility of moving in with him. for me, this was a huge thing to come from commitment-shy greg, and when we made love later, i had intense orgasms just thinking of what he said. of course, he never brought up the subject again. in fact, he moved in with his buddies from high school, instead.

but i found it wonderful that andy had experienced the same thing.

so, now i won't see him for the next 2 days at the least. i could see him on thursday, but i really think he should work on his articles. he'll be staying at my place this weekend. in the past 8 years i've lived here, i've only allowed 3 guys to stay overnight--at one night each. i really guard my privacy that much. andy will be the first to stay the whole weekend...

***

i looked for my mom's name on the internet today. i found her, apparently a "graduate" of some class she was taking. it looked to be some religious thing. i can just picture her turning more towards religion as a result of her unruly eldest child leaving without ever contacting her. i'm more than sure that she's praying for me.

perhaps this year, it might actually work. i told andy that i plan on reconciling with my parents--but i want him by my side when i do. i don't know yet if i can really go through with this. if i go, i will try to keep it as short as possible. i probably will not bring up why i left. i just want to show up and ask for their forgiveness (hopefully i will mean it), introduce andy, and then leave. i don't think my mom is the type who would ask for my forgiveness, so i won't even press that issue. whether or not i follow up with any calls, i don't know. i just know that i have to do this. i don't fully *want* to do this just yet. it was just something i've mentioned to aaron a few months ago (not that he was listening). it's still up in the air if i will ever actually go through with this or if i'm just full of it.

i love andy. he's truly the love of my life.

Monday, March 5, 2001 03:30 p.m. How did I get to be so lucky?!?!?

From: Andy

Sent: Monday, March 05, 2001 2:48 PM

To: Me

Subject: Happy Anniversary

It's exactly one month since you first wrote to me...

I love you.

Andy.

***

i can't believe i had been so vehement about not getting involved with sensitive types, but this guy just blows me away. he's everything i think most women want...and he's MINE!

Monday, March 5, 2001 01:29 p.m. "Andy this...Andy that..."

every day i end up mentioning *something* about him to coworkers. "ally" at work told me to stop apologizing. "i've been with david for a year and i still mention him every day!" she said, reassuringly. she's also the same person who told me how "obvious" it was that andy is in love with me, "the way he looks at you". that was a nice feeling that it's noticeable.

***

i had a revealing discussion with him this weekend. he said that he didn't consider me his girlfriend until *after* we slept together. i considered him my boyfriend the moment we kissed on our 2nd date.

i'm not mad or surprised at what he said. men and women are just different. i think his reasoning was that he would have thought that a kiss by itself can exist between a more platonic couple. which of course will get me jealous now that i think about it: can i condone his kissing a platonic friend?

:)

i smile because i think of all the times i deliberately try to get him jealous, whether by mentioning LCB or just by mentioning the various other guys in my past. i'll let up on this. i really don't need his jealousy to reassure me anymore that he's mine and only mine. he tells me often that "i deserve someone who loves me and *only* me. what scared me off when chris would get jealous, i find comforting from andy. of course, the main difference is that i actually have feelings for him.

Monday, March 5, 2001 08:42 a.m. andy didn't *kiss* me goodbye last night. :( by *kiss*, i mean one of those long passionate ones. i'm hoping it's because he has a lot on his mind, pending deadlines and all. but the insecure part of me thinks otherwise...

on the other hand, i don't know if it's a sign of (relationship) maturity, but i'm pretty sure my current actions regarding him are far different than how i would have reacted had i been 25 or 20. as much as i want to spend *every waking and sleeping* moment with him, i have to keep some things in focus, mainly that i don't want to be yet another distraction in his life. i really, really wanted to spend another night with him last night, but i knew he had a lot of work to do. had i been younger, i would have caved and stayed. but i'm also secure in the fact that he does love me that i can spend some (very unwilling) time away from him.

we really didn't do much this weekend except talk and cuddle in bed most of the time. but it was wonderful. we strayed to the living room for a bit to watch "Futurama", "King of the Hill", and "The Simpsons"--but we both enjoy the shows and sharing time to watch them together was just so peaceful and relaxing.

as sunday rolled on, i noticed how much more distracted and tense he became. he writes for a living and i really hope i'm not a complication in his life right now.

he'll be in El Lay tomorrow and wednesday, so that will be rare moments away from him. since our second date, we've practically spent every free time together. :)

the one exception was 2 weekends ago, when i went skiing with edna. that was also the same weekend that he was attacked and beaten and kicked in the face while in a bad part of the mission district. he woke up the next morning in the hospital, not remembering much. i was so scared when he told me about it--and all he could think about was if i would dump him because of the nasty gashes on his face! it's healed pretty much, but i've always loved him for more than his appearance! he may have answered a shallow ad of mine ("i'm a sucker for british accents"), but i'm not *that* shallow!

i love him, more than i have ever loved any other guy in my life and for the first time in my life, i want the whole world to know it!

we went to the "Sound of Music" singalong last week with my coworkers. i'm not the type who's affectionate in public, but when i'm with andy, the world as i knew it doesn't exist anymore. it's just me and him, in our own existence. we took MUNI to the Castro, and in front of my coworkers, andy and i were kissing in full view. and it was wonderful. at the theater, we really only talked between ourselves and we kissed often during the movie. i rarely did this with chris or greg. steve and i would kiss, but he was affectionate more than loving with his kisses.

but with andy... can anyone tell i'm in love?

Sunday, March 4, 2001 11:05 p.m. just got back from spending my first weekend together at andy's.

up to now, he's been mainly at my place, leaving at around 11pm to go home. i wake up super early while he seems to get to work around noonish... ;) so, staying at each other's place during the week is not very feasible. this weekend was our first time sleeping overnight together. the first night with a guy is always a night that i don't expect to sleep much, and this past friday night was no exception. it's not just the sex that would keep a first night together sleepless; getting used to each other's sleeping habits is the other. he tosses and turns while sleeping as much as i do. and, in between sex, we're cuddling and talking all night.

i am so in love with this guy!

we pretty much have had sex at least 2x a day since we started sleeping together. and he's the first relationship where it doesn't hurt after sex. i know i'll have an orgasm with him... hasn't happened yet. :( if it doesn't happen in 6 months, i really will get worried.

but it's not just the sex with him. he doesn't always "complete" (his choice) when we make love, but that doesn't frustrate him (or me). we end up cuddling and talking until we make love again. and what he talks about -- england, mainly -- fascinates me. of course, now he doesn't want to take me to england because i have this thing for english guys... ;) i hope he's just kidding... but i'll go wherever he goes...

i really, really didn't think that i'd find the perfect relationship for me this soon. but i'm so glad i did...

i always figured that the personal ads would result in meeting really awful people and so i'm wondering how lucky i was to meet him. still in awe.

i almost responded to his ad back in december, but he had written that he was in his "mid 20s". he was actually a few weeks before his 27th birthday, but since he was technically 26 when he wrote the ad, he wanted to keep himself as young as possible. and so, i never responded to him (since i was leery about dating guys that i consider way too young or way too old for me [more than 2 years younger or older than i am]). i'm so happy that he responded to my "shallow" ad...

i admitted to him recently that he's someone i would like to marry--some day. but, i was so embarrassed telling him/letting him read the thoughts on this page about it. i was so red-faced about it, that i started packing to leave his place earlier than planned. i really couldn't face him. i can talk about sex with no problem, but marriage is a very, very personal thing that i *never* talk about to any guy before, at least directly. even with greg, i was very reluctant to bring up the subject. now that i have mentioned it, i won't bring it up again. it's really that personal to me. and then all throughout the past year, i harped about my decision not to get married or have kids and after meeting andy, all of that went out the window.

i've let andy read *all* of my journal entries. i wanted him to know a.) all about me, and b.) what he's getting into. and he still loves me despite everything! and, yes, he knows about "LCB" (his name for him). i'm using real names in this page, except for LCB. just to throw off my readers from my previous page... :P

i love everything about this guy... he has a great memory--he remembers things from when he was 2! and i thought i had a pretty good memory, but i only remember things from when i was 3... but i especially love the fact that he remembers exactly when our first kiss was, when we first had sex, when our first date was... *and* approximately what time they all occurred... and since *i* remember things like that, i am very impressed.

he's the type of guy who knows how to keep the passion going in a relationship, in my opinion, because he has a good memory. he'll always remember why he fell in love with someone. and it's a great feeling to know that he's in love with me. and i'm very much deeply, madly, insatiably in love with him...

he likes buffy.

Friday, March 2, 2001 03:25 p.m. just changed my emergency contact from a friend's name to my boyfriend's name.

my boyfriend. i haven't been able to say those 2 words in 2 years, but then, i have placed a moratorium on relationships for that long. i love the sound of those words...

i was looking around at the online forms on what else i could update. we could change our name and for a brief second i pondered what it would be like to change my last name to my boyfriend's name...

too early to think about this. we haven't even been together for 3 weeks yet (that's tomorrow). and yet i *know* that i want to marry this guy!

i think by placing a moratorium on relationships, i essentially starved myself of the emotional contact. now that i'm in a relationship again, i'm basically "gorging" myself: too fast, too soon with this guy. but everything feels so right. i told myself that i would stop having sex by the 3rd date the next time i got into a relationship. we did it by our 4th time together.

has it been only 3 weeks? it feels like forever...

Friday, March 2, 2001 03:07 p.m. first entry. i think i signed up for this thing many moons ago.

just haven't had time to log on, considering i have another webpage and all.

i'm writing now because someone near and dear to me has finally started one of his own.

i can't talk to him anymore. :( that's another story for another day.

i love my boyfriend. i can talk to him.